parker quinn

home is wherever i am

it’s late, and i’m still up,… again.

thinking, again. sometimes too much. thinking this time i’ll write instead of think. i’d rather be trapped on a page than inside my own mind. even if the page is a white space on a screen, boxed in by a 1px border. i’m fine with that. i’m fine with a lot of things. i’m fine with too many things. in fact, the only thing that really worries me is that i don’t worry about the things that should worry me. where am i gonna live? what am i gonna do for money? what am i doing with my life? i don’t know. but, i’m not worried.

i feel like the problem is that everyone doesn’t know what they want to do. people can’t pinpoint their passion. i feel as though so many people are brainwashed into doing what they are “supposed” to do, they never have a chance to realize what they want to do. or what they like to do. this is not my problem. i want to do too many things. i enjoy too many things. there are a myriad of things i would be incredibly content doing. but which do i pursue? which do i turn into a career? what’s a career anyway? why can’t you just do all the things you want to do? are we destined to be a part of the great assembly line of life? are we all just clockwork robots? some aren’t. why them? what do they know that i don’t? and when i ask, why is the answer so simple? holy crap, i ask myself a lot of effing questions. maybe i’ll travel. maybe this is one of those “freak out/epiphany” moments because it’s the holidays, or the end of the year, or something else related to time. it’s winter. it’s cold. the cold makes me think. i wonder if i this is common. i did more thinking and writing in the few days it snowed in colorado than i had done in months.

i think i want to travel. except, not travel. more, find myself living in new places. “travelling” is so temporary. i just want to make home wherever i am, not be traveling through, but living where i am. i like to think i don’t take a single day of life for granted. everyday is a gift and i try my best to remember that and give thanks where it is due. i think my new year’s resolution is to worry even less. where am i staying tonight? what’s in this sandwich? who cares? i shouldn’t. it’s not gonna kill me. i’m gonna start eating things i’m allergic to. it’s only a mild allergy. maybe i’ll gain some sort of immunity. maybe i never ate enough of those things to begin with. maybe i should just grow up. why do people say that? grow up. i’m never telling my kids to grow up. i’ve found the same people that tell me to “grow up” will, inevitably, in a moment of nostalgia, tell you to never grow up. i’m gonna stop saying that. 

what’s growing up anyway? i feel more grown up than my parents. maybe that’s the most naive/ignorant statement i’ve ever made. maybe it’s truth. if it’s truth, have i grown up? do my parents need to grow up? no one should have to grow up. eff growing up. i just want to grow. grow into someone good. not up. just closer.

why do we have so little time here? and why do so many people not realize that? and why do so many people spend all there time and energy on things that don’t matter? i wonder if i could write an entire blog of just questions and actually make a point? i’ve almost done it. or am i even making a point? i don’t think so. anyway, back to point i was trying to make. people need to be more selfish. and not the people who already are selfish. they’re the wrong kind of selfish. selfish, as in, doing what makes you happy. the movie “The United States of Leland” was referenced in a conversation i was having today. Leland was right. everyone is so unhappy. and why? you’re alive. you’re given the ability and freedom to do anything you want with your short time here. and people are choosing to be unhappy. i’m convinced happiness is a choice. to an extent, outside of a chemical imbalance. Chrysanthemum Song by Amber Rubarth. what i just wrote made me think of that song for whatever reason. download it. you figure it out.

no resolutions. just thoughts. always thinking. never stop thinking. never stop writing. never stop creating. whatever it is. creating is what got us all here in the first place. someone’s stream of consciousness led them to the television or the car or the computer or the abacus or turning papyrus into paper or the concept of gravity.

final thought: we’re born onto this earth. it’s the only place we can go. no where else. just planet earth. the earth is only so big. we’re only here for so long. why wouldn’t you spend the short time you’re here seeing as much of the only place you’re confined to? especially when we’re currently a part of one of the first generations that has ability to travel to more places in less time. i’m gonna live my life in more places.

change

i found it funny that once i had finally settled in a place where i was content residing, shortly there after, i decided to pack up and leave. life had become stagnant and i felt it had no direction. which is just where i had begun to contradict myself, getting caught between comfort and fear. fear that my life may forever remain in a place of limbo, yet there was comfort in the blinding facade. all while being confused by the fact that i was so comfortable with the wall i had seemed to have hit. i made a drastic decision because i was very aware that i shouldn’t have been satisfied with the position i was currently in, and change seemed to be the only suitable solution for diversion. i hated the thought of sacrificing so many things that i loved so much, especially with the possibility of those things being lost indefinitely at a time when i was not ready to let go. i didn’t regret moving to LA or making the decision to leave. i left LA.

i’m a student of trial and error and am far from the truth. i feel as though i have discovered so much and yet have found nothing at all. i would like to think that i’m wise beyond my years, but am obviously trapped in a temporary apex of wisdom,… a dark hallway full of locked doors searching for the next open one. tomorrow is always a new day, a time to choose a new path, go in a new direction, make new choices, go back to the drawing board, regroup or start over. maybe, try something new and take from it what you can. looking back, ironically, the period of time when my life had become most stale, is a time when i did the most growing up. it’s in LA that i realized what’s important, it’s where i learned the most about myself, and became much more the person i wanted to be than when i began.

with that said, life seems to be much like the preceding words, in the middle of a point that almost completed itself but is maddeningly unfinished, no definitive beginning or end, just a snapshot. overall, it seems as though the lack of change around us is spawned from the fear of the unknown, and even if life may feel disturbingly complacent, it’s time for change.

a breath of fresh air

I guess for quite some time now, I’ve had a stereotype in control of an opinion. Although it may be a short time for that persuasion to relapse, the stance I currently hold feels as though it cannot be altered. For a period, I had given up on a sentiment I held so dear, because of a given location. However, one event, a series of moments, are able to reshape an entire way of thinking, forcing me to ponder other things i felt were crystallized, unmoldable. Tonight was a breath of fresh air, unquestionably opening up doors which were locked tightly. I’m not exactly doddering in age, but often feel as such. Sometimes I feel as though there is this extrapolated plan laid out before me, apparently it can hit a dead end and take hard right, just when you’d set cruise control. It’s these unforeseen dawnings, these new chapters, that to me, are the true excitements of life. And despite the fact that they are often fleeting sparks in a fire that never kindles, they are the root of an unexplainable exhilaration, rousing me for the next turn in the road of life. Maybe Frost was on to something in following the less trampled thoroughfare. But, maybe it’s the common belief that the familiar road is the only way, that leads us to not even search for an alternate route, when perhaps that unexpected path opens up a completely new point of view, a new perspective. And when able, I opt for the scenic route.